The kids are eating the chocolates faster than I can make them. 

Weston (yells from the kitchen): Which ones have nuts??

Heard from the rest of the house—

Mike: I HAVE NUTS!

Dallin: I HAVE NUTS!

Levi: I HAVE NUTS!

Mom: I DON’T HAVE ANY NUTS!!!!!!

 Dallin: How come you can and I can’t?

Me: Beacuse I’m a grown up and I can do what ever I want!

Dallin: Well you have to pay taxes and I don’t. 

 Dallin: Can we go to the store? 

Me: It’s closes in 24 minutes. It takes 10 minutes to get there  

Dallin: So let’s go. 

Mike: You’d only have 5 minutes to shop!

Dallin: That’s not math!

 Me: Have you made any friends at work?

Weston: No, but I have made an enemy. 

 Levi: Weston! That’s rude! Only I can say that, because I’m the youngest. 

and

“Of all the things that taste like chicken, eggs are not one of them”. 

Beach volleyball is my favorite Olympic sport. I was watching with Levi when the cameraman got a close up of the woman’s behind in her little bikini bottom. 

Levi: woah. 

Me: It’s like they are only interested in covering their butthole. 

Levi: Well it also covers her front no-no square. 

 Scene at a garage sale-

Levi: Excuse me? How much is this platypus?

Lady: That’s a duck! And he’s $7. If you squeeze him he quacks. See? *quack* If it quacks, it’s a duck. 

Levi: I can quack. Does that make me a duck? 

*walks away quacking*

 I decided to introduce Weston and Dallin to “The Sixth Sense” today. 

Five minutes into the movie-

Dallin: So he’s dead. 

Five minutes later-

Dallin: So he’s a ghost?

Five minutes later-

Dallin: So he sees dead people?

Text to Dallin: SHUT UP YOU ARE SPOILING THE ENDING FOR WESTON!

End of movie-

Weston: HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME?!?! 🤯🤯🤯

 Adventures in teaching someone on the autism spectrum to cook:

On the menu- Linguine and white clam sauce. (All the boys’ favorite)

Me: we need to get the pasta started first, because the sauce comes together really quick. 

Weston gets a large pot, fills it with hot water, and puts it on the stove. I get out a smaller pot for the sauce and put it on the other burner, hand him the recipe, and start gathering ingredients. 

Weston: I just put the butter in the pot?

Me: yep. It’s a simple recipe. Just dump all the ingredients in the pot and stir. 

Weston then drops a stick of butter into the pot of boiling pasta water. 

🤦‍♀️

We argued for a minute about who was at fault here; the mom who assumed the boy had some common sense, or the boy who takes everything literally. 🤷‍♀️

I managed to get most of the butter out of the boiling water and into the OTHER POT and Weston went on to make a delicious dinner.

 Dallin: When I kiss a girl, I'm going to do it like this- (makes fish face)

Robin: I see you inherited romance skills from your father... 

Mom: Daddy was afraid of girls when he was in high school. 

Dallin: Is that why you are in charge of this house? Dad is scared of you?

 Mike: I’m going to go create the sacrament programs for the next few weeks.

Weston: So you are about to piss off a whole bunch of people?