From 20212-

The boys came to visit me at the hospital 

Weston: Welcome to the world Levi!

Dallin: *points at my stomach* when is the other one coming out?

Me: Good morning sweetheart. Do you want me to make you something special for breakfast before practice?

Dallin: How many times do I have to tell you?? I DON'T EAT BEFORE WRESTLING PRACTICE!

   

Levi: If our species was the dude from donkey Kong, what do you think we’d hear at crowded events?

Me: I’m pretty sure all those words were in English, but my brain has no idea what you just said. 

Me: I love that bumper sticker. “Tell your dog I said hi”. We should get you one for you that says, “Tell your cat I said pspspsps”. 

Weston: I never say pspspsps. 

Me: Most people say that to cats. 

Weston: You don’t say it to cats. 

Me: Fine. We will get you a sticker that says “tell your cat I said Hello little floozywoozyfluffywuffykittywitty.”

Weston: yes! 

Or 

Weston: I need a birthday gift for my friend. 

Me: I got him a shirt that says, “Let’s have a moment of science” and it has beakers and science-y stuff on it. 

Weston: why is that funny?

Me: Because the original saying is, “let’s have a moment of silence”. It’s a pun. 

Weston: Okay but why would anyone want a shirt for a gift? 

Me: it’s not just a shirt. It’s a funny shirt. And when you wear it, people read it and smile because it’s funny. 

Weston: thats dumb.

Me: How about the shirt and his favorite candy?

Weston: Fine. 

 I’m lying in bed, high on pain pills, from having surgery this morning. I get a text from Dallin that says “I need new wrestling shoes before my wrestling meet tomorrow”.

 New recipe for dinner. Levi called it “divorce me chicken”. 

 Weston and Dallin are sitting on the couch together comparing their favorite rap songs and introducing each other to new bands they might light. I think I might be in the twilight zone. 

 Levi is chatting with the Patriarch before receiving his patriarchal blessing. 

Patriarch: I’ve given over 100 patriarchal blessings. What are you hoping to learn about in your blessing?

Levi: I’d like to know about my future wife. 

Patriarch: Well that’s a first for me! 😆 

 The kids are eating the chocolates faster than I can make them. 

Weston (yells from the kitchen): Which ones have nuts??

Heard from the rest of the house—

Mike: I HAVE NUTS!

Dallin: I HAVE NUTS!

Levi: I HAVE NUTS!

Mom: I DON’T HAVE ANY NUTS!!!!!!

 Dallin: How come you can and I can’t?

Me: Beacuse I’m a grown up and I can do what ever I want!

Dallin: Well you have to pay taxes and I don’t. 

 Dallin: Can we go to the store? 

Me: It’s closes in 24 minutes. It takes 10 minutes to get there  

Dallin: So let’s go. 

Mike: You’d only have 5 minutes to shop!

Dallin: That’s not math!

 Me: Have you made any friends at work?

Weston: No, but I have made an enemy. 

 Levi: Weston! That’s rude! Only I can say that, because I’m the youngest. 

and

“Of all the things that taste like chicken, eggs are not one of them”. 

Beach volleyball is my favorite Olympic sport. I was watching with Levi when the cameraman got a close up of the woman’s behind in her little bikini bottom. 

Levi: woah. 

Me: It’s like they are only interested in covering their butthole. 

Levi: Well it also covers her front no-no square. 

 Scene at a garage sale-

Levi: Excuse me? How much is this platypus?

Lady: That’s a duck! And he’s $7. If you squeeze him he quacks. See? *quack* If it quacks, it’s a duck. 

Levi: I can quack. Does that make me a duck? 

*walks away quacking*

 I decided to introduce Weston and Dallin to “The Sixth Sense” today. 

Five minutes into the movie-

Dallin: So he’s dead. 

Five minutes later-

Dallin: So he’s a ghost?

Five minutes later-

Dallin: So he sees dead people?

Text to Dallin: SHUT UP YOU ARE SPOILING THE ENDING FOR WESTON!

End of movie-

Weston: HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME?!?! 🤯🤯🤯

 Adventures in teaching someone on the autism spectrum to cook:

On the menu- Linguine and white clam sauce. (All the boys’ favorite)

Me: we need to get the pasta started first, because the sauce comes together really quick. 

Weston gets a large pot, fills it with hot water, and puts it on the stove. I get out a smaller pot for the sauce and put it on the other burner, hand him the recipe, and start gathering ingredients. 

Weston: I just put the butter in the pot?

Me: yep. It’s a simple recipe. Just dump all the ingredients in the pot and stir. 

Weston then drops a stick of butter into the pot of boiling pasta water. 

🤦‍♀️

We argued for a minute about who was at fault here; the mom who assumed the boy had some common sense, or the boy who takes everything literally. 🤷‍♀️

I managed to get most of the butter out of the boiling water and into the OTHER POT and Weston went on to make a delicious dinner.

 Dallin: When I kiss a girl, I'm going to do it like this- (makes fish face)

Robin: I see you inherited romance skills from your father... 

Mom: Daddy was afraid of girls when he was in high school. 

Dallin: Is that why you are in charge of this house? Dad is scared of you?

 Mike: I’m going to go create the sacrament programs for the next few weeks.

Weston: So you are about to piss off a whole bunch of people?