I refilled the soap dispenser in the boys bathroom yesterday. Today I find dallin in the bathroom with the sink overflowing with bubbles and an empty soap container. 

Find dallin washing his hands after going to the bathroom with his pants and underwear around his ankles. 

Me: D you've got to pull your pants up. D: But I didn't wipe yet. 

I pulled out my laminator to laminate a new behavior chart for the boys - in hopes that I won't need to yell as much. I came around the corner and Dallin says "look ma! This thing fits chips!" 

HE IS STUFFING TORTILLA CHIPS IN MY LAMINATOR!!!!!

Dallin: I have a game. It's called fling the dinner. 

Dallin has to dress up for school. We are in a hurry so I help him out. I put on on shirt, button it up. Put on his tie, and suit coat. I hand him his suit pants and dress socks. I tell him to put them on and meet me down stairs. I move on to get Levi dressed and make breakfast. 10 minutes later dallin comes down stairs wearing the wrong pair of pants and holding a pair of white socks. How does this happen?

Hey mom perry the platypus is...

Me: wait. Perry is a platypus?

Yes. 

Are you sure? I thought he was a cat!

No. He's a platypus?

Are you sure? The green one with the tangerine colored mouth? I thought it was a cat?

Weston: ........... let's move on. 

Weston: hey mama there is this funny thing on phineas and ferb oh hey those nutri grain bars are low fat that's good news!

I asked the five-year-old to clean up his mess. He said "no thank you." Do I get points for having a polite, defiant child?

Mike brought the boys home from shopping for my Christmas present. 

Me: what did you get me?

Weston: I'm not telling you!

Me: I'll give you a marshmallow if you tell me. 

Weston: we got you fuzzy socks and...

Me: STOP STOP STOP! I WAS KIDDING! DON'T TELL ME!

Dallin drank the sacrament water and burped loudly. 😣

Weston makes his action figure do the splits.

Weston: Mom, this is something we do in gymnastics. Doesn't it look like it hurts? I don't understand why all the girls can do it but I can't. 

How does your child wake up from a nap? I passed the baby's room and heard "ME! ME! ME!"

I love this phase of Levi learning to speak. Some of his words now are:

Uh oh
MEATBALL
Wadooo (water)
choochoo
Doggie
poopoo (diaper)
WISHY (followed by sucking in his cheek and making a fish face)
ME! ME! ME! (whenever someone is getting something that he wants too)
BATMAN! (in his most deep scratchy voice possible. And this applies to all super heros).

Buckle up Levi! We are going to the future! -Dallin

Me: Weston! You may not glue that rubber band to my spoon!
Weston: But how else am I going to make a time machine!!

Weston: hey mom, what's your favorite planet?

Mom: umm Earth 

Weston: No- a planet in outer space. 

Mom: earth. 

Weston: fine. What's your second favorite planet?

Mom: ummm Saturn. 

Weston: why? 

Mom: Because God liked it so he put a ring on it. 

Dallin: I'm going to HUG you with super power magic!

Weston: LET GO!

Weston: Are you excited for Mother's Day next week?
Me: Yup! What are you going to get me?
Weston: What do you want?
Me: I want chocolate!
Weston: Well, I have until Thursday to order something...
Me: (confused) Is there something going on at school?
Weston: No. I heard it on Pandora.

I found dallin sitting on the toilet holding a bottle of shampoo. I take it away and put it on the top shelf in the shower. (Side note; dallin has been known to make massive messes with bottles of shampoo).  Later, while he was supposed to be brushing his teeth I found him holding the bottle of shampoo again. So I took it and put it back on the top shelf of the shower.

Dallin: I can still reach it there. You should put it higher. 

Dad: how about if I ask you nicely not to touch it any more?

Dallin: I just don't think that will work. 

Dallin: Ma, Weston's stuck up in a tree. You need to call a fire truck. 

The doctor said Levi isn't saying enough words. I asked Weston to help teach him some new words. So he is teaching him the important ones like "Wes-Wes" and "Nutella". 

Dallin: Pizza hut. Pizza butt. Hahaha I said Pizza butt!!

Weston: That's not funny. 

It was getting close to bedtime and Levi was quietly playing with a tape measure on one side of the couch. I sat on the other side and started playing with my phone. Levi crawled across the couch, snuggled next to me and continued playing with the tape measure.

Later dad instigated a game of tackle mom on the floor. As they finished piling on mom, Levi gets down from the couch and comes to lay down on the floor by my side. 

Weston: You're acting like I'm your slave!

Mike: I'm not acting. You really are my slave. 

I should have known there was trouble when I walked into the boys bathroom and it smelled good. Dallin had squirted half of the Costco sized bottle of baby shampoo all over the toilet and wall. It was all down the wall, a giant puddle behind and on both sides of the toilet, dripping down the sides of the toilet and if I press on the baseboard, soap oozes out from underneath. 

The trash can in the boys bathroom is full of torn pieces of unused toilet paper. According to dallin, the toilet paper "wouldn't tear in a straight line" and was therefore unusable. 

Sitting at the dinner table, Dallin has a glazed over look on his face and is not eating.

Dad: is something wrong?

Dallin: no. I'm just waiting for my penis to get small again. 

Dallin: Is stupid the magic word?

Putting shoes on Levi has the same effect as putting tape on a cat's paw. 

They will walk funny and stop at nothing to get it off. 

Mom: Weston, what should we make for dessert tonight?
Weston: Um, brownies, cookies or angel food cake.
Mom: I have this yellow cake mix, we could make it with chocolate frosting.
Weston: Brownies, cookies or angel food cake.
Mom: I don't have any angel food cake.
Weston: Then brownies or cookies.
Mom: I don't like brownies.
Weston: Then cookies.
Mom: But I want to make up this yellow cake mix.
Weston: THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME?!?!?!
Mom: (laughing at how ridiculous I sound) I'm just trying to get you ready for marriage!

Weston: what are you cooking?

Me: I'm making homemade baby food. 

Weston: Good job saving money so we can go on that trip!!!

While scrubbing the floor around the toilet in the boys bathroom all I can think is, "Have BOYS, they said! Boys are so FUN!"

Just caught the 13 month old trying to crawl into the trash can. Upright. He was just scaling up the side like Spider-Man. What was he planning once he reached his destination?

Weston: once upon a time there was a snowman who went to play basketball, but he forgot his helmit and he got hit in the nose with a baseball. 

I blame his father for the lack of sports education.