Me: *knocks on bathroom door* I win! I took a shower, shaved my legs, got dressed and you are still sitting on the floor of the bathroom playing with your penis. 

Child: *giggle* It’s fun! You should get one!!

 Levi: Mom, would you rather be breathed on by a dragon or farted on by a cow?

Me: Is the dragon nice?

Levi: No. 

Me: I guess I pick the cow. 

Levi: The cow isn’t nice either. 

 ”Mommy and Daddy are going on a date. Please behave yourselves.”

We leave the room for 30 seconds to say goodbye to Weston and when we come back, Levi is in the fridge holding a can of whipped cream.

 Levi 2020:

Levi: A girl at school said that the tooth fairy turns our baby teeth into stars. 

Me: I thought she sold them to spray paint companies. 

Levi: huh?? 

Me: Go shake a can of spray paint and tell me what you hear. 

Levi: I think she turns them into a giant tooth monster!

Me: Will you please draw me a picture of the giant tooth monster?

 Levi: 

Mom, who do you love more, me or Weston? 

{whispers} 

Whisper your answer so he doesn’t hear you. 🤦‍♀️

 From 2018:

Im trying to have a serious conversation with the pediatrician when Dallin walks over to the counter, takes a tongue depressor and a cotton ball, wets the cotton ball and uses the tongue depressor to thwack it onto the ceiling light. 😳 He thinks he is hilarious, Weston thinks it’s hilarious, I’m trying very hard to stifle my laughter.... and the Doctor confiscated the tongue depressor. The cotton ball is still on the ceiling.

 Mom, would you text Elon Musk and tell him I have an idea to make a Tesla boat? 

-Dallin

He doesn’t believe in Santa, but he thinks his mom and Elon are besties.

 Dallin: Mom, for Christmas can I have one of those instruments where you wave your hand over it and it makes noise?

Me: A theremin?

Dallin: yes!

Me: no. 

 “For dinner tonight, you can eat anything that I didn’t have to cook.”

 Daddy’s dinner is looking at me. 

-Levi (it was a prawn with its head still attached)

 Signs you need a vacation: You overhear your kid saying, “is it just me or is mom being extra rude lately”. 

 It’s clean out the bonus room day. This happens once or twice a year, when the mess is so overwhelming you can’t tell what color the carpet is anymore.

As I clean, I get angry when I see toys that are broken because they didn’t take care of them. 

Then I find delightful contraptions and curious builds of a genius mind in creative play mode. 

Then I find where they have destroyed the drywall and I get mad again. 

It’s an emotional rollercoaster. 

 Picking Weston up from school-

Me: I just saw a chocolate lab!

Weston: Where?

Me: Just around the corner. We will probably see it on the way out. 

…..there it is. 

Weston: Oh, it’s a dog. I was expecting someone experimenting with with chocolate.

 There was a baby blessing at church today. When the father turned and held the baby up for the ward to see, Levi STANDS UP and starts singing the song from Lion King!

 Wake up and make Dallin breakfast: Toast a plain bagel, butter it. Fry 2 eggs, break the yolks just the way he likes it, salt and pepper. Make a bagel and egg breakfast sandwich. Get him his meds and some water. Start packing his school lunch.

Dallin: How come Levi gets to have cereal!